


Tremor

by justhere



Category: K-pop, 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Anxiety, Caring Jung Hoseok | J-Hope, Caring Kim Namjoon | RM, Epilepsy, Friendship, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Panic, RM is a good leader, Seizures, platonic jihope, platonic minjoon - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-19
Updated: 2018-04-19
Packaged: 2019-04-24 22:30:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,839
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14365056
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justhere/pseuds/justhere
Summary: Jimin realizes there are things he could have done differently. Logically speaking, he knows that he should have recognized his familiar behaviors, that he should have paid more attention to the signs and taken them as a legitimate warning and then acted accordingly.





	Tremor

**Author's Note:**

> This is NOT edited lol in fact I haven't even read through it at all, so no need to point out the mistakes XD

Jimin realizes there are things he could have done differently. Logically speaking, he knows that he should have recognized his familiar behaviors, that he should have paid more attention to the signs and taken them as a legitimate warning and then acted accordingly.

But the funny thing about stress is that it's hard to overcome... And the funny thing about epilepsy is that it gives absolutely no leeway, no slack.

It's just that he's always been so smart about it. It hadn't been an issue in his adult life because he understood the limits of his body and he understood what he had to do to take care of it. That's not to say he doesn't push his body to (and sometimes past) those limits, but he always draws a line somewhere.

He'd gotten to the root of his triggers a long time ago, long before Bangtan. He knows what stress and poor body management does to his brain and his nervous system. It's all about balance, really. If he's on a strict diet and exercise plan, then he makes sure to sleep well and not take on more schedules than he can handle. If they need to go days without sleep, he makes sure he's eating, drinking water, and taking breaks. When he has back-to-back performances that all require a great deal of physical and mental effort, self care becomes almost as much of a priority as his stages. And he always, always takes his medication. He knows that drugs can only do so much, but he still acknowledges their importance to the general function of his body. Because of this, he makes sure to take his medicine every 24 hours without fail- even when he's in a different time zone having just landed from a 12-hour flight and the last thing he wants to do when he gets to his new hotel room is dig through a carry-on for a bottle of pills before collapsing into bed. 

It helps that the managers, executives, and band leader are aware of his condition and how to handle him if needed. They always give him opportunities to take naps on those especially long weeks, providing him with empty studio space or dressing rooms for 20 minutes here and there to rest up without drawing any extra attention to the somewhat special treatment. Over the years, they have even managed to work out a system of looking after his nutritional health without seeming condescending or controlling. Jimin is thankful for their efforts, and it hadn't been an issue for so long that his condition was no longer a constant presence in his mind.

Perhaps he should have thought about it a bit more.

He's getting his makeup done when he begins feeling withdrawn. He doesn't even realize it himself until he's asked a question by an approaching stylist and can't seem to comprehend the words coming out of her mouth or the thoughts in his own head. He had simply allowed himself to mentally check out sitting in a tall chair surrounded by flourescent lights with his eyes closed as the makeup artist carefully applied the finishing touches to his look. It's only him and Hoseok left in the dressing room, the others already in the space preparing for their...  _what was it? A performance? An interview? Ah- that's it-_ They were due to record another TV interview this afternoon following the two they did live for separate radio stations this morning as a part of their packed American schedule. They were only in town for a few days and were probably well overbooked.

"Jimin-ssi?" the call of his name fights hard to break through his consciousness, but his eyelids and tongue are simply too heavy to respond to his body's commands; he couldn't even quirk up his lip in a smile when he heard Hoseok's infectious laughter, likely assuming he'd fallen asleep in the makeup chair. His name gets repeated yet again by the same stylist, and he knows her- he knows her very well, she is their head stylist. She had traveled with them to many different countries, he'd signed photocards for her children, even exchanged gifts on birthdays... but for the life of him, Jimin could not picture her face nor remember her name in that moment.

Jimin's eyes open in what feels like supersonic speed (but looks more like he's trying to move through molasses) as the realization dawns on him that this is it- he's going to have a seizure. His mouth goes dry and he needs to communicate what's happening, but the words are jumbled in his head. His eyes glance around in a panic, trying to find something that might help. He knows what he's supposed to do, he's learned this, he's practiced this. He's supposed to tell someone what's happening, and then he's supposed to lay down. He runs through the instructions over and over in his head in the following seconds, but can't muster up the ability to follow them. The two commands occupy his mind so much that he finds himself incapable of acting, incapable of identifying his surroundings or the physical aspects of his own body.

It's only when Hoseok comes closer, much too close to his face, that he can focus on anything but his circular thoughts. He's speaking, and he looks concerned- downright frightened, more likely. Jimin can relate; he's afraid and confused right now too. He wants to look beyond Hoseok's face to get a better grip on reality, but when he tries, all he can see is his own reflection in the mirror in front of him, and  _wow, that's not me, why are the lights so bright, who are these ladies around me, what was I just doing?_

That's just too much for his mind to handle, and he knows there are more important matters at hand, he just can't remember  _what- Oh!_ Somewhere in the back of his mind, it registers that he only has a few minutes to settle things before he loses what little communicative ability he has left.

"Help," and he's gasping, hands clasping around the plastic arm rests of his chair. He was never able to tell if the shortness of breath was a symptom or just the manifestation of his anxiety with the situation. Regardless of how long he's been living like this, he always hates the seizures- hates them  _so_ much. And it's been so long, truly, since his last that he's even more afraid that he's not as mentally prepared as he used to be.

In his early teenage years, he would have insisted that he's never fully prepared, that they're always like this and that there's nothing he could change at this point. He only got serious about preventative measures once he began thinking seriously about auditioning as an idol, because as scary as the seizures may be, perfection in all other aspects of his life took precedence: dance, appearance, grades. But the motivation to train and perform on the larger stage, doing what he loves for a living with others who depended on his health as much as he did caused him to crack down on his destructive habits. It worked throughout his trainee period, though he was required to disclose all information about his medical condition to Bighit just in case. That proved to be useful just weeks after Bangtan's debut when Jimin's body failed him several hours into a private vocal lesson. After that incident was handled by their head manager Sejin, the company found it necessary to clue Namjoon in as well, and after heavy discussion with everyone involved about how to avoid a similar situation, there had never been another slip-up.

* * *

 

Hoseok is about three seconds short of combusting. He doesn't spare a thought to the fact that he's ruining Jimin's newly styled hair by running his fingers through his bangs to brush them up off of his face. "Jimin, can you hear me?" he asks gently, thankfully contrasting his unnerved mind. He only noticed something was amiss when Jimin became unresponsive after appearing to wake up in the makeup chair. "Hey, Chim, are you alright?" He's speaking slowly and clearly in hopes that Jimin will be able to hear and understand him. 

Suddenly, Jimin's unfocused eyes lock with Hoseok's as the younger's body tenses slightly. "Help," he gasps out, and Hoseok's brain goes into overdrive.

"What can I do?" he's asking, worried that his friend is having a panic attack. He knows touch doesn't always have positive effects on people experiencing such levels of panic, but Jimin is such a tactile person that Hoseok doesn't think twice about cupping the younger's face in his hands. "What's wrong? How can I help?" he reiterates after several moments of silence while Jimin's eyes flit between each of Hoseok's.

It's quiet for a bit longer, but Hoseok sees Jimin's mouth moving slowly and his throat contracting in attempts to produce sound. "I- ... I- I- hyung," he gasps again after the utterance. "I'm- seizure, help." One of Jimin's hands moves from the arm rest to grasp at Hoseok's sleeve.

The older is at a loss. "You- you what?" he asks dumbly. He averts his eyes for only a moment to meet those of the woman who had been doing Jimin's makeup, presumably an Asian-American who may or may not speak Korean, and he's unsure how to address her. Her eyes are wide and she stands back a few steps holding the small makeup brush suspended from her fingertips in the air. Hoseok panics a bit more, wants to ask her to go find one of their managers, but every English word he's ever learned slips from his mind in that moment, and he's not even sure she'll know who to look for. He's saved when he recalls that their own personal stylist is still here. He turns around frantically searching for her, calling out "Noona!" until she steps into his line of vision, wide-eyed and ready for action. "Please get help, hurry!" he begs, not bothering to watch her go as he turns his attention back to Jimin.

The younger is swallowing repeatedly, tears collecting in his eyes, and Hoseok's fingers tremble on Jimin's cheeks. "Please, Jimin. I need you to tell me what you need."

'Need' seems to be a good word to use, as Jimin is nodding and repeating it aloud. "Need... I need- I need to, need to lie-" He's gesturing oddly with the hand that's not tightened into the fabric of Hoseok's jacket.

"You need to lie down," Hoseok prompts, a statement to both Jimin and himself to which the younger nods shakily. "Can you make it to the couch?" he asks, glancing up to see it a good few meters away.

Thankfully, Jimin understands enough of what he's asking to shake his head. He's still swallowing whatever excess saliva seems to be in his mouth, which makes it difficult for him to form words of disagreement, but he tries. "No," he gasps again. "No, ground, I need to- on the ground. I need-"

"Okay, that's fine," Hoseok says as calmly as he can manage in an attempt to keep Jimin calm as well. The other man is on the verge of hyperventilation, and Hoseok is worried he'll pass out if he continues. "Let's just get you down from here," he narrates as he removes his hands from Jimin's face to grasp his sides. Jimin's actions seem delayed, but he tries to help as much as he can while Hoseok lifts him from the chair and moves them both to the floor. The makeup artist has enough sense to pull the chair out of the way so the there is room on the carpet. Hoseok kneels beside Jimin after he gets situated flat on his back, one of his hands still clutching Hoseok's sleeve.

"Jimin," he calls to get the man's attention again. After a few moments and a few more utterances of his name, Jimin is looking back into his eyes silently. "You said something about a seizure, is that what's happening? Do you know what's going on?"

Jimin does nothing more than huff out a breath as a tear falls out of the corner of his eye, trailing down towards his ear. Hoseok's finger instinctively swipes it up while he continues staring unwaveringly at Jimin's frightened face. 

"Come on, Jimin, I need you to answer me, okay? Do you hear me?" He can no longer manage to keep his voice steady, and he's worried that Jimin can sense his nervousness.

"Hear?" Jimin asks in a whimper. 

"Yes," Hoseok confirms, somewhat relieved. "Yes, you can hear me?"

"Okay," Jimin says, as if he's processing something different than what Hoseok is actually saying. 

The older man sighs, placing a hand on Jimin's chest defeatedly. "Don't worry, someone's coming to help. You'll be fine, okay?" He feels how fast the younger's heart is beating and prays for answers.

"Okay," Jimin repeats sluggishly. "Yeah, I'm- I need to- hyung, I need to tell som-someone."

"Yes, tell me Jimin, tell  _me_ ," Hoseok begs. Time moves so slowly yet so quickly.

Jimin squeezes his eyes shut before opening them again. This pattern continues for several moments before Hoseok taps at Jimin's chest in an attempt to redirect his focus back on their one-sided conversation. 

"Yeah," Jimin nods again. "Need to- to tell someone, and- I- I- lie down."

"That's right," Hoseok confirms, desperate to connect with Jimin in some way so he might understand what's going on in his head.

The door busts open at the same time as Jimin's hand clenches tighter into the fabric in his grasp, closes his eyes, and starts muttering "no," on repeat. Hoseok chances a look up to see Sejin approaching with Namjoon hot on his heels. Jimin is squirming slightly beneath him, simultaneously fidgety and lethargic. Namjoon drops to his knees on Jimin's other side while Sejin heads to the sofa to grab a stray cushion.

"Namjoon-ah, you need to calm him down- he's much more comfortable with you," their manager reminds him, standing close by and passing him the pillow, which Namjoon dutifully slips under Jimin's head unnoticed by the younger. 

The leader looks distressed. "I don't know what to say," he huffs in a hushed tone. "Do you turn him on- I don't know what to do."

"It's alright, leave him there," Sejin confirms. "Just let him know you're here."

Namjoon knows he's rehearsed this, confirmed with Jimin what would help him the most in case of emergency. He racks his brain before leaning in to press his forehead to Jimin's own. "Jimin-ah," he says confidently. "Jimin-ah, you're okay. It's Namjoon."

The youngest stops his murmuring in favor of holding his breath as he opens his eyes to identify where the new voice is coming from. Namjoon grabs Jimin's free hand, holds it up so his arm is bent at the elbow, and he remains close to the other's face. 

"Yeah," Jimin whimpers, short of breath and now crying. "Okay. Need to tell- and I- lay- need to lie down, I-"

"You did," Namjoon affirms. "You did good, Jimin-ah, you told someone and you laid down. You did really well, Jimin, you just need to try to take a deep breath, okay?"

Jimin nodded jerkily, his fingers trembling. Namjoon can sense that Jimin is seconds away from losing whatever coherence he has left, and he tries to stay focused. Beside them, Hoseok is sitting stunned, jacket still within Jimin's grasp and unable to move. Namjoon would pay him more mind if he wasn't closely observing Jimin's breaths. Sejin's gaze flicks between his watch and the boys on the floor. The makeup artist is long gone.

"You're going really well, yeah?" Namjoon says after Jimin's fourth breath hitches in a half-sob.

" 'm gonna- ... no-" Jimin cries pitifully, and Namjoon's heart breaks. He may have discussed the potential of this happening at length, but he'd never actually seen Jimin so afraid and distant.

"It's okay, don't forget to breathe, yeah?" the leader says, though he knows it falls on deaf ears as soon as he feels Jimin's hand squeeze the life out of his own and sees his jaw tighten. 

Hoseok sits back on his heels as soon as Jimin's hands release their hold suddenly, and he and Namjoon watch on worriedly as he begins convulsing mildly. Namjoon sits back as well, glancing briefly at Hoseok. "Thank you, Seok, you were very helpf-" he whispers before a groan from below interrupts him mid-word. "You're okay, Jimin-ah, everything's alright," he says softly, though he was previously told by Jimin that he's unable to hear anything around him when he's in the middle of an attack.

"What's happening?" Hoseok demands in a horrified whisper, afraid of speaking too loudly. "Is this- why-"

"Hoseok, step back here with me," Sejin requests, noting the way the dancer became more frightened by the second. "Keep an eye on the time, will you? Let me know when each minute passes," he says, removing his watch and holding it out. Hoseok usually handles himself better when he's busy, and doing something useful might help him get ahold of himself. With that reasoning, Hoseok obeys his manager. He would leave the room to cool down if he thought he would be capable of it. Instead, he takes the man's place while Sejin goes to retrieve his bag.

Namjoon keeps mumbling reassurances from his knees, and Hoseok eyes the seconds-hand on the small watch like a hawk. He tries to close his ears off to Jimin's occasional choked off noises, doing his best to avoid even looking down at the pair on the ground.

Once Hoseok announces that two minutes have passed, Sejin rejoins the small group with an injection pen in hand. "Just in case," he mumbles. 

"Shouldn't we call an ambulance?" Hoseok asks without moving his focus from the watch.

Namjoon tunes out of Sejin's brief explanation to their other bandmate, concentrating back on Jimin's tensing body. He looks to be in pain, and Namjoon has to keep reminding himself that the younger didn't say anything about it being a particularly painful experience, just exceedingly disorienting and uncomfortable. He works at controlling his breathing now that his initial panic has passed and he feels more confident in his ability to handle things.

If Namjoon hadn't been hypervigilant, he might have missed Hoseok mumbling a quiet exclamation of "three minutes" accompanying the tapping sound of what he assumes is Sejin typing out messages on his phone. Namjoon had almost forgotten they had been less than 10 minutes away from filming their next interview when the stylist came running down the hallway, short heels clacking intrusively, and announced that they were having a situation in the dressing room involving Jimin. Namjoon felt bad when he had to insist that the rest of the group stay behind on stand-by with no news of what's happening, but it would have been much too crowded in here if they came. He hoped Sejin was handling it over text- updating the members and probably putting the interview on hold indefinitely.

Namjoon's busy contemplating whether or not they will even be able to film today when he notices Jimin's small whimpers growing progressively less gutteral and his muscles shift from convulsing to trembling. Namjoon snaps his fingers behind him to alert the attention of the other two and encloses one of Jimin's hands back into his own larger one. 

"Jimin?" he calls out. "Jimin, do you hear me?"

Jimin turns his head to the side panting, squeezes his eyes shut tighter. "Hmm," he hums in reply, though whether or not he actually understood the question, Namjoon has no idea.

"You back with me?" he asks again, receiving another hum, though Jimin makes no moves to open his eyes. "Are you feeling alright?"

Jimin shakes his head gently, and that's when Namjoon knows he's coherent again. "What doesn't feel right? What do you need?"

The younger only huffs and clenches his jaw. The movement in his face draws Namjoon's attention to the dried tear tracks. He wants to ask more questions, but he doesn't want to overload the man. Jimin takes his time, swallowing heavily as he continues to huff. He seems to realize that Namjoon is holding his hand, and tightens his shaking fingers over Namjoon's just a bit, proof that he's regaining control of his body.

"Jus' feel sick," Jimin slurs after nearly a full minute in tense silence. Namjoon nods even though Jimin still hasn't opened his eyes, having expected that response.

"Do you know where you are?" Namjoon asks, receiving a single head shake. Slowly, Jimin's eyes squint open, and try to find the source of his friend's voice. It takes a while for him to be able to focus on Namjoon's figure. "We're in America," Namjoon explains slowly, not sure how broad he needs to be right now. "We're  at the television station, in the dressing room." He pauses to let the information sink in. "Do you remember what happened?"

"Uh... maybe."

"Do you have your medication? The anti-nausea one?" Namjoon presses gently.

Jimin sniffles and shakes his head, and Namjoon is worried he'll start crying again. "Left it at the hotel," he clarifies. " 'm sorry."

"Don't apologize," the leader asserts. "There's nothing to be sorry for." At least now he knows Jimin is a little more aware of his surroundings. "Do you think it would be okay if we moved you to the sofa?"

Jimin doesn't answer, only closes his eyes again.

"We can stay here," Namjoon says conclusively. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Sofa's okay," Jimin sighs. Namjoon nods and glances back at a wide-eyed Hoseok, nodding his head towards Jimin to request his help. The two lift their younger bandmate as carefully as possible, making slow, short steps towards the couch until they are able to spread Jimin out lengthwise on top of the cushions.

"Can I sleep?" Jimin asks, rubbing his eyes with the heels of his hands. 

"Of course," Sejin butts in. "I will have someone get your medication from the hotel." He doesn't want to bring up the fact that he is postponing the interview, because he's not sure if Jimin even remembers why they're here and he doesn't want to make him feel obligated to recover out of guilt. 

Jimin just hums, torn between keeping his eyes open or closed because both make him dizzy in different ways. "Sorry," he says again, aware of Namjoon and Hoseok's eyes on him. "Wasn't taking care 'f myself."

"Jimin-ah, it's fine," Namjoon says in a tone that could be construed as exasperation but Jimin knows that it's just relief. "We can talk about it all later. Get some rest, hyung will wait."

"Mhm," Jimin agrees absentmindedly, already half asleep. He curls into the back cushions of the couch, hardly noticing when a jacket is thrown over his torso to keep him warm.

**Author's Note:**

> Eventually, I'll probably add in the aftermath as a "sequel" (just a new short chapter)
> 
> I've only ever had like, 2 seizures and I was young for one of them, so this is kind of an individualized perspective- obviously not suggesting everyone experiences seizures like this. Keep in mind that people can be at different levels of self-awareness before, during, and after, and it feels different for each person as well.


End file.
